#13

I never thought I'd be so hurt by the fact that I'm no longer on a friend of mine's "top friends" on MySpace. I never thought I'd be one of those girls who gets sensitive about that. Like, oh my God, why am I not your number one? I never wanted that. And I never wanted to be one of the girls who blames their snappishness on their period, but I have to. I had to. I can't explain my sour mood besides my period and the sweeping blood clot gathering up in my arteries, the feeling of rejection and poor closure, I feel turned against. So turned against, in fact, that the one thing I want to do is just say, "I'm on my period," and climb into bed for the rest of eternity.

I'm so tired.

I feel tired in my bones, my eyes, the very tips of my fingers. My soul feels like it's been torn out and beaten dry. My knuckles pop like broken glass. My creativity's running low.

And I never thought I'd be so hurt by the fact that I'm off somebody's top twelve friends. I mean, top twelve. She has people she's met once, twice, on there, and I'm not. I don't know what I did. What did I do so wrong that it was worth sweeping me entirely off the face of her MySpace profile? And what did I do so wrong to turn the world against me? What did I even do?

I never thought I'd have to try and defend myself like the sort of person with no other weapon than a plastic bottle. I suppose I have too much faith in my friends, and our relationships. Even when things are rough, I keep my closest friends on the list, because I know they'll always be that close to me. It wasn't worth the childish trouble of taking them off. Stamping my foot and pouting won't help anything, I thought. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I'm the one who's being childish.