My, I Don't Want To Run Away With You

The Boyfriend has got his first connections, with Digital Lov, and he's now got all the promise in the world. I'm not exactly sure how to feel. He's talking about going on tour to Europe with them. And he's talking about how they're getting him jobs and it's all too much for me to handle. He wants to pay for me to go to Europe, too. He wants me to run away with him for three or four days, like we've always sort of dreamed of.

The thing is, I don't want to run away with him. I have commitments. I have school to attend to, and I have something called rules, made by my parents, who won't let me even sleep at his house. I get the feeling going to another continent alone with him would be kind of, sort of, extremely out of the question. Even if he meant to run away forever, I couldn't let myself drop out of high school. I may not want to go to college, but I have my limits.

And to be completely honest, with no inhibitions? I just don't want to run away with him. Because when I get old enough, I want to be free. I don't want to run away with anyone. I just want to run away. I'm very scared of leaving the control of adolescence only to be controlled by someone I'm tagging along with, or even to have to constantly worry about what or how the other person thinks. Do you mind if we stop here? Do you mind if we drive through Oregon on our way to California? Not for any particular reason, I've just always wanted to see Oregon. Do you mind if I get a coffee? Do you mind if I play this mixtape I made four years ago for this exact journey?

I want to be alone.

I know that the Boyfriend just feels obligated to constantly remind me how much I mean to him, how much he loves me, but at this particular point in my life, it is constraining me. I feel like I'm being strapped to my bed. And my bed is nailed to the floor. And there are bars on the window and safety scissors in the drawer. I feel like I can't do anything, really. I'm afraid to say the wrong thing, and I'm afraid he'll find something out about me that I'm trying to hide. I'm afraid of breaking up with him, but sometimes I think it'd be just fine if he and I were no longer together.

Like, it would maybe be alright with me if we weren't a couple. But of course, I'm not going to do anything to make that happen. I'm a little bit stuck. Because I love him, really, I just can't stand how much he loves me back. I love being with him. I don't want to disappoint him, though, and I get the feeling that I will inevitably do that.

I want to be alone, because at least then, the only one I can disappoint is myself. I want to be alone so I can stop worrying about who I am.