My Day In Hell

Today was the worst day of the worst lifetime I'll ever have. It started with insomnia, then progressed to agitation, then PE Skills and Fitness, then lunch alone on a systematic plane of grass, then going home with nobody to talk to and nobody to put a hand on my shoulder. Then missing the stop, and hiking the distance, and coming home to someone you thought you could trust, who attacks every choice you've made. Today was the worst day of the rest of my life.

I don't expect Diantha to be a superwoman, always flying to the rescue when I'm in need, or even talking me through things. My expectations may be high. But I've always counted on her to be human. And now I'm starting to realize that I hate humanity. Lately, it seems like I simply cannot please her. There is nothing I can say that she doesn't find fault with. Nothing I can do that she won't see as some slice on her tendons. Nobody I can be friends with that she won't use as an example of just how "popular" I've become. I want to say it's unfair, but it's not. It's her right to be upset and to feel hurt, like I have in her past, and I want to say that she's doing this to spite me, but I know she's not. I want her to be happy again. But I don't know how to do that for her. What does she want me to do? What does she want from me? I feel weak right now, emotionally. I feel like I've been eating because it takes up the space of the holes in my heart. I feel like everything I do has been wrong in some way, and I should just rewind back to that day in eighth grade when I spoke the words "I want to go to Strest" to my mother.

It doesn't at all help that Diantha guilt trips at the same time she apologizes. She says "I'm sorry, you've got your own problems." And suddenly, I feel bad for being less of what I am. If only she could see that I'm torn apart by her sadness. I can feel what she's feeling and it's loosening the straps on my "delicate" mental balance. All this trouble with her, and I still have to worry about the fact that Candide is not finished, nor is it annotated, The Misanthrope has not been approved, I have to fit that portfolio into that locker in order to get a passing grade in art class, I have to make my Biology essay seamless BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I DO, I have to make a collage for Creative Writing BECAUSE I TOLD THE TEACHER I WOULD, I have to write about a false family in French, I have to finish all the review math assignments, and while I do all of this, I must also manage to shower at the end of PE. I have. To shower. With other girls.

I know that Dobbl is stressed right now, that she is having trouble keeping up with the non-tardies and the non-absences, but can't I take a minute to scream at the top of my lungs, you know, without worrying that she'll hear it and call me self-centered. "It's always about you," she'll say, and I'll stab my eyes out with a hot fork of displeasure and scream once again, because that only adds to the things I must do. All those things, plus shower, plus think only of others and handle this like a good Honors student should. Excuse me for a moment.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK.

Thank you, I'm sorry, where were we?
Oh yes, that's right, I was thinking only of others and handling all my problems like a good Honors student should.

School is just marvelous, I love the classes, I'm not stressed out at all. I'm going to graduate Valedictorian from this marvelous school, and then I'm going to go to a marvelous college! I simply love my parents and nothing could be better than living my life!
at this point, the author would like to slit her wrists and say "i'm sorry, dobbl, i just don't know what to tell you."