My Walrus Was Paul

I think that when I closed my eyes, a Mack truck snuck up on me, and crushed my will to live. Today, I went to the freshman orientation of Strest. It was awkward. It was early. I had to take a University bus that wound along a narrow path through the foothills, and then I had to wait. The Strest website indicated to me and my fellow Americans that the orientation was at seven thirty. Oh no, no no! Eight thirty indeed! For an hour, I waited with the few others gathered. I was silent and dead inside until finally a SLAA alumni arrived. Unluckily for me, it was David Cochrane. An ex-boyfriend and a well-known troublemaker. And to top it all off, he and I both were wearing CCCP merchandise. I stood with him as he got his schedule and nametag. We were supposed to be assigned color-coding to group us, a sticker placed upon your nametag ONLY IF YOU HAD YOUR NAMETAG OUTSTRETCHED, I found out the hard way, and as David prepared his name tag, this dialogue occurred:

"Don't forget to get your name tag!"

"David Cochrane, c-o-c-h-r-a-n-e."

"David, she's not going to make it for you."

"WHAT, WHY NOT?"

David then proceeds to write "HI my name is David McPIG" in orange crayola.

"Here's your sticker."

The woman places a green dot upon the outstretched tag.

"OH pretty, I got yellow!"

And then we all went into hysterics at David's misconception. For you see, GREEN is not YELLOW! Hahaha! First of all, I thought it was pretty bitchy of this woman not to ask David if he was with a friend. All the other ladies and students were warned "if you're with a friend, make sure you get the same sticker color!" But not David! I think it's because the capitolist pigs would like to keep us Young Marxists separate. He and I then went into the auditorium to wait for endless hours until finally, the Cheerleading squad took position on stage. David being the stupid idiot that he is, we were literally feet away from the stage, and these girls were screaming in our ears. What exactly is the appropriate response to a Cheer? Are you supposed to like, scream or something? I clapped, because I believe in equality among the subcultures, and cheerleaders, well they're so darn downright American, just like apple pie. Mac and Jake were sitting behind and away from us, because they thought they were too good. That, or they hate David. I'm betting on the hate thing.

I'd never been to a high school assembly before, and if I have one observation, it's that high schoolers are pricks. Seriously, you guys, there's a point in which the snarky comments get old. WOW LOL YOU SAID "NAH" IN ANSWER TO A QUESTION! I'M PISSING MYSELF WITH LAUGHTER! No, no I'm not. You said it, whatever. David was actually really good with not-talking, considering the days in SLAA where he would incessantly chatter under his breath. He still chattered. But he stopped sometimes. There were only three people performing for the drumline, are there only three people on the drumline? The girls in drill team were pretty muscular, do you have to be for drill team? David and I joked about joining the NJROTC because, well, we just love America and all its American goodness. We were instructed in the pledge of allegiance. I said it enthusiastically. I said it in a chica accent.

[I just realized how racist that sounds, like I said it in a chica accent because "the dayrm mexeecans er takin' are jobs," but that isn't true, I just like using the chica accent. As a side note, I think it's retarded that immigration is such an issue. Why don't we ask the Native Americans what to do since really, it is their country that "our" ancestors "immigrated" to, or is that just too un-American of us? I hate intolerance.]

There was one point where I realized that this school was going to eat me up and swallow me, and it was with this conversation:

"Oh my God, is that Celeste?"

"I don' know, is it?"

"Well it looks like Celeste, but I thought she got pregnant and dropped out."

UUUUMMMM, HELLO? TEEN PREGNANCY? It's not just something you can talk about matter-of-factly, like, oh yeah, that's Celeste, she got knocked up in sophomore year and left. But she looks good, huh? NO. I DON'T THINK SO.

The rest of the day went pretty uneventfully, and I don't know why I am so nervous or why I feel so awful right now. It could have been a lot worse, I guess. But my whole body hurts. I don't want to do this, not without Dobbl, and she's having an awful time of her own. She says that the Beast is full of emo kids and everyone hates her. That is not okay! Nobody is allowed to hate Dobbl! She hasn't seen our beloved Petrick at all, she suspects he transferred schools. I want to reassure her, but I don't know how I can without sounding like those same douchebags who were like "you'll do fine" to me. This is all just proof that we totally are attatched at the hip, otherwise it's kidney failure and adrenal disease for the both of us.