It was the worst christmas ever

It was three or four years ago that my mom proposed the idea I put up my own Christmas tree in my room. It's small and faux, and usually I put up a string of lights and only that. But this Christmas, being in the most holiday of moods, I crafted a popcorn and cranberry garland. It took me all night. I needled my finger more than once with a tip full of cranberry acid. And still, I got it to be ten whole feet long.

The plan was for Jonney to pick me up from school and together, we'd come back to my house and build some sort of baked good. Then, he'd help put up the tiny tree and we would decorate it as a team. But he got into a snare of trouble this morning, and now, I'm home worrying about him while I step carefully around my words. See, I will admit that I was mad when he said he couldn't pick me up from school. And I'll admit that I am mad he can't come to any of my family's holiday celebrations. And I told him that I would be mad if he couldn't help with the tree at all. Currently, I'm putting all that aside and just trying to care for him.

I've been in this situation before, being the silent caretaker, and I'm willing to get into that pinhole again for Jonney. I know he needs me right now. But I've thought a lot about the past and I feel I probably should talk about it, as sort of a Christmas present to myself.

Though she will say differently, I spent a great amount of personal emotion on Diantha. So much that to this day, I think about her nearly all the time, and wonder what would have happened had I once again said I was sorry and pretended I was the one who did the wrong. I imagine she would have stayed at the school. The turmoil of friendship now, the partnership, wouldn't be, and the drastic changes wouldn't have been made. I do sometimes miss her. I miss the dynamic she and I had for a long time.

But, I am glad that stress is over. I'm glad I no longer have to soothe her mental aches and pains, struggle for support on the many days she spent absent, and put up with her opinions about my life. No more do I have to hear that I'm a slut for having a boyfriend. Nor do I have to feel the guilt of dependence. I remember a Samson & Goliath show where Diantha dragged herself out of an ached stupor to attend, made a stink the entire time, and then later proclaimed that our new song was about her. To this day, I introduce the song by saying, "If you think this song is about you, you're wrong." (Side note: The person the song is about never attends any Samson & Goliath shows. Thus, the introduction.) I didn't feel guilty for pulling her out of bed, I felt guilty for thinking I needed her there.

I can say with more confidence than ever that losing Diantha as a friend has put me on my own track. I've grown up since I stopped feeling like I was nothing without her. Maybe I wouldn't have pursued things with Jonney, and maybe I wouldn't be as happy as I am today. I'm happy enough to pass on happiness to others. Happy enough to be filled with Christmas excitement. Happy enough to bake a delicious apple pie!