Sad man in a sombrero

Today has probably been the worst day of this year. And I've had some bad days. Today is one of the days where I wish I could crawl into a small and dark hole, go to sleep, and maybe never wake up. At least, not for a long time. Finally I'm at home. Finally I can take off my shoes and put on the pajama pants with no shape and if I wanted to, cry.

I'm sick of people being mad at me, for one. It seems like there's always going to be somebody who thinks I've wronged them, and I thought I was a big enough person that I could just let it be. I guess I'm not that mature yet. Hmm. From the get-go I've understood that you can't please everyone all of the time. I came to terms with that and still wanted to be in the public eye for a career. But there's a difference. When unknown public egos call you dumb, or ugly, it stings less because they aren't trusted friends. When trusted friends call you dumb and ugly, it's like stepping on an angry hornet.

As a side note, I have the worst confidence. My intellect is one of the only things I'm confident in. I know I may not be the best guitarist, but at least I can think in enough of a stream to author this blog. I don't find myself at all pretty, but hey, at least I can probably weasel my way into some kind of college. Jonney's the one who's constantly trying to get me to renounce the church of self-depreciation. It's like a drug, though. Once you pop, you can't stop. Or is that Pringles? Same thing, really.

Anyway, I'm also sick of exerting myself. I'm sick of putting so much into so little to get nothing. I had a really bad day at guitar/band and really, the only good part was during the song I've been considering my last. I've worked on that song off-and-on for almost a year. That was the good part, that I didn't blow that to pieces. Other little things were what took me down. A bad day got worse, and it finally caught up to me.

Like everyone says, I'm done with the drama. It's so dramatic. Fuck, it's only high school. It's not the end of the world. And it's not like any of this is going to matter once we've all gone separate ways, and I am far from here, which I will be, unless my legs and arms are cut off (with my luck, a great possibility). I realized that Diantha was the literal Krazy glue that kept us all together. Now she's missing and all this pair loyalty has arisen. C and R never leave each other's side, M and C  are actually related, B group-hops and always had, and M and J are all buddy buddy while they make fun of things just to show they can.

And they wonder why I run off at lunch to go joke with my soon-to-be History teacher. GAWD.

The worst part of all of it, I'd say, is just that I like all of them. They're all friends of mine and that's why this sucks. I had the worst day today, and now I'm lying hungry and alone in my bed. Topping the list of things I want to do: Hug somebody, anybody, who won't let go first no matter how long the hug has lasted.