The guitar hero theory

Ever since Guitar Hero came out, I've had this theory regarding Guitar Hero skill. It's why I won't ever play the game. It's why I tend to shy away from boys claiming to be champions of both the six stringed instrument and the six buttoned instrument. This theory has been proved over, and over, and never once disproved. Why? Because I am right, and everyone knows it.

The theory is this: One who is skilled at guitar will fail at the game known as Guitar Hero. Conversely, one who is skilled at the game will fail at real guitar.

I first came in contact with an example of this when Justin, my boyfriend at the time, took out his Guitar Hero controller and proceeded to do extremely well at the Dragonforce song, Through the Fire and Flames. First of all, Guitar Hero is evil because it has made people actually hear this band. Dragonforce should not exist, period. But to remain to the point, Justin was good at Guitar Hero and honestly kind of sucked on bass guitar.

Then, I saw a video clip of Jack Black and other famous musicians (musicians who are famous for being good at composing and playing music) totally. Fucking. Bombing. On Guitar Hero. This video clip seemed to be the concurrent point to the previous example. People who are really good at guitar just can't seem to carry over their six-stringed, seventy-two-fretted talent to a plastic controller and six sticky buttons.

And then there was the best South Park episode ever, Guitar Queer-O, wherein Kyle and Stan get Guitar Hero famous, delve into the world of Band Breakup Hero, and then sample Heroin Hero. Unfortunately, there was no Rehab Hero, only a lot of Carry On Wayward Son. And that's all anyone would ever need. But this was the best South Park episode ever, because as Kyle and Stan were getting famous, Stan's dad was rocking out on an actual guitar, and then failing, standing half-naked and drunk in front of the television. The South Park creators agreed with me.

Time passed before I met the final nail in the coffin, Jonney, who is a fucking legend. I've seen him play many a time. I've heard him talk about the many technical aspects of guitar building. And wouldn't you know it? He sucks at Guitar Hero. CASE CLOSED!