Lady Luck

It probably started when people started telling me how much I reminded them of Juno MacGuff in January of this year. But it could have started earlier. It could have started when I made the decision to be a dirty, dirty yuckmouth, and do the deed that teens aren't supposed to do but do anyway. It was my fault and Diablo Cody's.

I was, for the most part, in love with my boyfriend. I also read mommy blogs daily even though the parts about how joyous breastfeeding can be were mainly an article of boob massacre and less like, "oh, rad! I totally understand, what with the having experienced that twice." I read mommy blogs, because that's what there were. I like my friends' blogs, but I only had two blogger friends. (That sentence just defined what year I was born in, yikes.) But like I said, I was in love with my boyfriend to the extent that he and I were taking naps together after school and yes, we were intimate. It makes me sick to think of that, that word, the phrase, but that's the way it is. I can't just say "we got it on."

We had vague aspirations of marriage, very vague ones. As a timeline, he and I got together in December. Juno came out in January. I saw it in February, probably more towards the end, actually, the day before the Oscars. My birthday is in March. And then, this date is forever plastered in my brain, March 20th, the day I found out I wasn't pregnant.

I've thought long and hard about this. This subject, and this whole fiasco, and I'm not just writing it to spill the beans.

It started with Juno MacGuff and the resemblance between her and I. The fact that I loved the movie only exacerbated things, because I totally wanted to be Juno, minus the pregnancy, and when I started to get a little paranoid, that added against the charges. Here I was in love with this boy and possibly now carrying his embryonic sack of cells. And instead of freaking out and throwing myself down a stairway, half of me was kind of stoked.

I don't want to blame Juno or Knocked Up, because honestly, I love those movies. And I don't want to blame Heather Armstrong or Brenda Ponnay, I don't want to blame anyone. I think it's all due to how popular teen pregnancy has become. It's not as taboo as it used to be.

I remember when I overheard that quote, "I heard Celeste got pregnant and dropped out." That quote, which was said in such a nonchalant, offhand manner. Well, that's the way I felt. I felt like if I got pregnant, it would be no big deal. Everyone would deal with it and then it would be over, like a movie. Things would go back to normal, even my boobs and my vagina.

I was even a little disappointed to hear it when I wasn't pregnant. Yeah, relieved as shiiit, but just the slightest bit disappointed.

I guess that this is what would be my PostSecret entry. That I almost intentionally got myself knocked up for love and to be unique. That I for real felt ready to take it on, and even saw myself with a big pregnant belly. But I am so, so glad it didn't happen. My boyfriend and I broke up not long after, regardless of the fact that he would have stood by me. Regardless of the fact that I would have had his baby. It was typical. I can't imagine what might have happened, if we had gotten serious, but I took a long break from the triggers. Tonight was the first time I'd watched Juno since March. I was afraid of those feelings coming back.

I felt like it was time, though, to own up to what happened. And if I'm the only one who went through this, fine. But if not, I hope that those who've felt the same got out safe. I was lucky.