Amazing

So I'm not going to lie. I miss Diantha, and I still care a lot about her. That's why it hurts to hear how much she hates me and how badly she thinks of me. I care about her, but I'm not going to be the one to apologize.

Why?

Because I've been fixing things and fixing things since we first became friends. She'll claim all she wants that she's the only one who puts forth effort, but I've been the one who again and again apologizes first, because I know she won't. And because I like our friendship to remain in tact.

But this time I feel like it's her deal. She's the one who burnt the bridge between us, and so she's the one who ought to fix it. I don't want my efforts to be spurned. So I think, why make the effort?

I'm not mad at her, per se, I'm just extremely hurt and, after seeing the things she's done tonight (really horrible things, not to me but to herself) I don't know what to do. I feel extremely saddened by all of this. I mean, I can take account for what contributions I made. And I'm willing to do that. I'm willing to look past Diantha's foibles and forgive her for what she's done, but I doubt she'll ever forgive me.

She hates me. And I don't like her a whole lot right now, either, but the thing is that I don't want her to think I don't care, or that I'm trying "to kill" her, or that I'm abandoning her. It's not that Keith is the only one who cares, it's that Keith is one of the only people she hasn't pushed away. I don't want to talk to her about serious things. I know she doesn't want to. But really, I can't muster it up to be dejected and spurned by her again.

So I'm open to things being better. I don't know if she is.