I really think that in a past life, I must have been some kind of sabre-toothed tiger, or a morbidly obese man addicted to food. For serious. I'm not so sure that my eating is technically "out of control," but I'm convinced. If I had the money and the time, and didn't care what people thought, I could spend most of my time eating something. I'm terrible when it comes to things like that.
I know I shouldn't have such an appetite, especially since I'm not hungry. Half the time, I'm just bored. That's what bugs me the most. I shouldn't bow to my appetite. It's the king reigning over my life and I'm the tender-bodied slave who keeps thinking, maybe today will be different. And of course, since I feel so bad about my eating habits, I'm always concerned that this meal, this snack, this drink, will be the final straw on the camel's back that turns me over to chubby. Then, from chubby, I continue to eat and I go on to overweight. And then? Obesity. I hear it on the news all the time. I'm terrified of being one of those news stories.
The worst part about it is how guilty I am for having an appetite. I don't mean to be one of those girls who won't shut up about "I need to lose three pounds," and, "I can't wear that shirt, it makes me look fat," and "I swear to God, this is going straight to my thighs." I honestly don't mean to complain. But I feel like I need to say something about it. And then the Boyfriend takes it personally. He tries so hard, so often, to turn my self-esteem around.
It's self-esteem. Esteeming myself.
The one thing that I can address about my adolescence, that I do understand isn't my fault, is my lack of confidence. I can trust that one day, I'll be fine again. And I'll be able to have my picture taken and like it. But that time isn't now. I want to work through this by myself, so I can know that I was able to support myself through the worst. I need to show myself that I'm mature enough to learn from my mistakes.
So does it make me a horrible person to have low self-confidence? Or does it just make me a horrible person not to want my boyfriend's help to raise it?
I know I shouldn't have such an appetite, especially since I'm not hungry. Half the time, I'm just bored. That's what bugs me the most. I shouldn't bow to my appetite. It's the king reigning over my life and I'm the tender-bodied slave who keeps thinking, maybe today will be different. And of course, since I feel so bad about my eating habits, I'm always concerned that this meal, this snack, this drink, will be the final straw on the camel's back that turns me over to chubby. Then, from chubby, I continue to eat and I go on to overweight. And then? Obesity. I hear it on the news all the time. I'm terrified of being one of those news stories.
The worst part about it is how guilty I am for having an appetite. I don't mean to be one of those girls who won't shut up about "I need to lose three pounds," and, "I can't wear that shirt, it makes me look fat," and "I swear to God, this is going straight to my thighs." I honestly don't mean to complain. But I feel like I need to say something about it. And then the Boyfriend takes it personally. He tries so hard, so often, to turn my self-esteem around.
It's self-esteem. Esteeming myself.
The one thing that I can address about my adolescence, that I do understand isn't my fault, is my lack of confidence. I can trust that one day, I'll be fine again. And I'll be able to have my picture taken and like it. But that time isn't now. I want to work through this by myself, so I can know that I was able to support myself through the worst. I need to show myself that I'm mature enough to learn from my mistakes.
So does it make me a horrible person to have low self-confidence? Or does it just make me a horrible person not to want my boyfriend's help to raise it?
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