NaBloPoMo Day Five: Oasis

I'm thinking that my life is salvageable, that yesterday morning's post was not the end of the world. I'm thinking that this is a wake-up call and a sign for me to start motivating myself. I believe in stupid things like fate in the face of crisis. THis is my destiny, to make my name something other than a parent in a school directory. I'll make myself famous some day. And I'll find my Jason, and things will be in order again.

But it still feels currently like I'm living out of a cardboard box. Spare change in the form of kisses and hugs, "what if"s circling my home like vultures. I feel like the path is one obscured by time, distance, and worry, a long forest from which there is no unharmed return.

I mostly am afraid of the monster I have potential to become. If I stay here, and go to college here, how likely is it that the rest of my life will be spent painting birch trees in autumn? Spent with a high-school sweetheart and out three children, who would inevitably begin to pronounce their words like "kan-KREET" and "mou'ain" and would see no fault in saying, "I looked for the CRAN, mama, an' it wudden there." Try as we would to raise them speaking the correct way, the so-called culture around them would soak into their mashed potato brains.

Of course, I might always just end up going insane, running to Montana, and growing out my moustache. That is a very real possibility, too.