My Nicotine & Reconstruction & Resurrection

I started smoking this summer, after my mother decided she could take up smoking again during our trip to New York City. I had stolen a few of her cigarettes because it wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that I had to sit in our hotel room and sweat while she went out to walk around the block, that she could take back a promise she'd made to herself not to smoke again, and I had to wallow in my insecurity and stress.

So I stole a few of her cigarettes, only about six, three of which I pretty much wasted on coughing and being paranoid. It wasn't enough to get me addicted. But it was enough for me to know that nicotine is one of the only things in this world that can relax me.

And so, I figured I was meant to smoke. I smoked with The Ass and I smoked with Crazy David, and I wasn't any good at it, but nobody was willing to teach me how to do it properly.

I had basically sworn off smoking until I came to this school, and the smell of cigarette smoke swirled in the hallways like a spectre. It was then that I decided I was going to smoke again, no matter what it took, because I was [am] so worried all the time about my grades. The downside of my life is that I am the one putting the most pressure on myself to succeed. I grew up being taught certain things about success, passed on to me and now, like a disease, taking me down subconsciously.

Somehow, I managed to get a few cigarettes yesterday. And with them, I got this weird sense of freedom. Dobbl and I were walking down the street and I was smoking. We went to a show and when I needed to relax, I smoked.

I loved being that chilled out. I loved having something that I could do and feel, instead of the recommended deep breathing or wrist-rubbing. I know that writing this post is going to get the police on my ass, and I'll end up in big trouble, end up dead meat in an alley somewhere, and I almost don't mind. Almost. But hey, to each their own. I have this. My friends have their releases. I want to address the universe in the most humble of terms and beg, please. Let me keep this.