My Apologies

I've gotten into an apathetic mindset about school. My whole outlook on life has nearly flatlined, and it's all because I can't decide between pushing harder, and becoming an academic machine eaten away by "knowledge," or becoming a burnout and a time-waster given up by "hope for tomorrow." I would like to say sorry to everyone I offended, if I weren't so sure that none of them would accept my apology, that none of them even care to hear what I do and do not wish upon them. Mac? You've become a total douchebag because of high school, I'm sorry I keep talking to you, because you obviously hate every minute of it. Dobbl? A million sorries, Dobbl, I wish I knew what you wanted from me. I wish I could be whatever you wanted me to be. I'm sorry that you're insecure and that I can't listen. Emily? I'm sorry that I forget to say things back to you, I'm sorry I didn't welcome your story idea with the excitement it deserved. Mom? I'm sorry I'm what you want me to be. I'm sorry I'm so smart, and I'm sorry that you can't see how much I nothing Strest, you can't see how much I wish I could feel something about the school I'm going to. I'm sorry I've made you believe in me more than I can ever fulfill. Dad? I'm sorry I'm a douchebag. I'm sorry I listen to my music so loud at night, I've been trying to play more of the things you like. Lenny Kravitz? Is that okay with you? I'm sorry. Grandma, I'm sorry I always snap at you, I promise you that I don't mean it, and I love you unconditionally, no matter what things you say. Pop-Op, I'm sorry that I'm always on the computer. Joey? I'm sorry I don't like you as much as you think, I'm sorry that my instinct tells me to say "I love you too" instead of "thank you" or "fuck off." I'm sorry that I don't look at you exactly the same way you look at me, I like you, I really do, just not as much as you wish I would. Kyler? I'm sorry that we didn't get to chill much on Tuesday, but you were very busy and then my mom showed up. I'm sorry that we never get to hang out and that by the time I get to East Hollywood, you'll have moved so far away from Utah that you'll have forgotten about me. I'm sorry that I haven't made a move on you yet, because I would very much like to, and I know you're shy. I promise you that, when the time is right and I'm not coughing up copper, I will smother you in love and affection, and God. I will learn to smoke correctly. Thank you, so much, for not laughing at me when I coughed. I'm sorry I'm not good at really anything. Dobbl, again? I'm really sorry that you don't trust Kyler and he doesn't like you. I'm really sorry that I like him so much and you don't. I'm sorry that you think I'm going to "leave you" for him, I'm not, but I can't tell you I won't hang out with him, or I'll stop going to poetry every Tuesday. It's something I want to do, just like you and Gallery Stroll. I'm sorry that you think I think I'm better than you, I don't. I don't know what I think I am. Dolan? I'm sorry that I don't like you that way. Trust me, it's not because you're Ginger's brother, it's that I already have enough on my plate to start a small, shitty, Wendover buffet, and I don't want to lie to you. I think you're a cool kid, and at risk of sounding cliche, "I like you as a friend." Jessie? I'm sorry that you hated me for a while, I'm glad you don't hate me anymore. Thank you a million times over for your compliments, they're wrapping my shoulders right now like a golden blanket. Anna? I'm sorry that I'm such a poser skank, I know you probably loathe me on the inside, but you're way tight and I'm sorry if I ever think that you're being sarcastic when you say nice things to me. I like your jackets and you're a good artist. Mario? Sorry I smell. LENA!!!, I'm sorry I like Fall Out Boy and Green Day and all the "bad music" that you don't like, but I have to admit that they're two of my biggest influences, and Pete Wentz is my writing idol. I'm sorry that I steal your drinks and that I've probably extorted a lot of money from you somehow. I'm sorry that I'll probably never go to one of your School of Rock shows because I secretly hate School of Rock [the thing, not the movie, I love the movie.] and I'm a die-hard WMCA fan. I'm sorry that I can't play guitar and that I'm really, really emo. Canyon? I'm sorry I'm starting to hate you. I'm really, really emo, please get used to it or something. I'm sorry my band names aren't good enough for you. You come up with one, goddamnit. Jamison, I'm sorry that I suck at everything I try, and that my lyrics will probably always sound too emo to you. Strest High? I'm sorry I don't want to go to you. I'm sorry that you'll be the sight of many nervous breakdowns to come, but I guess you're used to that, aren't you? Eats Hollowfood? I'm sorry I don't attend your vaginal halls. I'm sorry I have high expectations of you. Oh, Kyler, by the way, I'm really sorry that I have dirty, dirty dreams about you. I'm sorry that I want to do incredibly un-shy things to you, and I'm sorry I kind of stalked you last year, but God, you're grand. Jason, I'm so, so sorry that I was born this way. I'm sorry that things have to be the way they are and I'm sorry that I've got you wrapped around my little finger, and you've wrapped me around yours. I'm sorry that I make you get online when you could be doing something so much more productive. I'm sorry that I make bad decisions, and I'm sorry that you have to watch me grow up before your eyes. Your day will come, hold onto the beads in your heart. I'm sorry that I send you so many useless lines of love, thank you innumberably for going along with it and for appreciating me. I love you.

I think I have to talk to my mom about Hell School, but I don't think I have the energy. I feel like someone has taken a large syringe, injected it into my arm, and started sucking out all the life I have. Am I a rapist who needs a release? A psychotic prancer? My mind is blind, my peace and my soul have abandoned for greener pastures.

I'm sorry, blogger.com, for not updating as frequently as I used to. I'm sorry, blog readers, for making you read these drab diatribes every post. I hope I'll get back to my normal self eventually.
Lord, what's the matter? Am I insane? Are you listening?