My Deep Dark Depression

[I know that I promised you all a very detailed description of the Ketchum Epic, but I feel that this is more necessary at present. So I present to you: Andi Jade Palmer, Chronically Depressed.]

I was never a sad baby. In fact, I was a very happy baby. One who wore overalls and flashed chubby smiles whenever the camera lens turned upon her. That chubby smile accompanied me for many years until the dreaded sixth grade, at which point I became very sad to follow the trend called Goth. I remained a sad individual throughout seventh grade, but that was because of the endless torment I faced for following the Emo trend [it had evolved by this time] and the consequent neverending cycle of hating my emo self, cutting my emo self, being called emo once anyone saw the cuts, and hating my emo self. I was on the path to destruction until a boy named Jason was introduced to me and saved my life. But alas, the scars remain, and I don't mean that literally, although they do. Since that beginning in sixth grade, I have been plagued with a chronic sort of depression. [not an official diagnosis] Every day I either wake up depressed or go to bed depressed, sometimes both. There is no "normal" mood for me. No mellow median in which I couldn't complain. My "normal" is depressed. And then there are days and things that trigger a spike of happiness, one of those being Jason.

Today I am very depressed and very much in pain. My pelvic bone hurts, just under where my FEMININE PARTS sit. I happen to know that this is not a menstrual cramp. I also happen to know that this is not pain from having something shoved up my FEMININE PARTS, nor is it related to any sexual occurences. It just began hurting.

And it began hurting during the Ketchum Epic. The day before we departed, I woke up from a car trip, got out of the car, and discovered that there was a pulling pain in my FEMININE PARTS. To clarify, however, it was not my FEMININE PARTS, but the bones near. This pain remained with occasional fades until we left the next day. And then it came back this morning. Many have suggested to me that it is cramps, some have suggested that it is growing pain, and I'm more willing to accept the second one. But really. What growing does my pelvis have to do? I'd be completely fine with it staying this size forever.

Alas, so I am in much pain, and I am very depressed. I feel like there is no direction or point. I feel like there's nothing much more to live for. I feel like killing myself. Everything seems tedious and hopeless right now. In twenty-two days, I'll be attending Hell School, for four years of my life. And after that, I'll be pressured by my family to attend college, for another four years of my life. And after that, I'll be pressured to get a job to support me, or pressured to create, for the rest of my life. I just don't see why I should give in to that. I will spend eight years learning things I already know and hating the people around me, until I leave home, and then I will spend the remaining fifty years dealing with manic depression and post partum depression and regular depression and where is the remote depression and why don't you love me depression. It's all too much to think about right now, and I would like nothing more than to be lying in a hospital bed, asleep forever.